Brandon: I’ve had time to daydream lately and take a few trips down memory lane. One long-gone memory that recently popped into my head was “bachelor food.” The Chef Boyardee line of cuisine comes to mind. I think the reason for me dreaming about some of these foods is that I have recently realized Amy is slowly sneaking healthy, twig-and-berry foods into my meals.
Amy: After years of white bread and braunschweiger sandwiches, I understand healthy eating may certainly become an acquired taste. However, you’re 41 years old and as often as you drive me bonkers, I’d like to keep you around. In the meantime, my attempts to do so require covert ops. You leave me no choice.
Brandon: I mean Amy’s tradecraft skill on how she is able to sneak this food into my life more frequently is quite frightening. She is patient like a CIA special operative and has acted at a speed like that of a glacier. She’s super sneaky!
Amy: That may be true, but it all goes out the window when you’re on your own for a weekend. Isn’t that right, my little Cheez Wiz hubby?
Brandon: True. I normally get my bachelor food fix when Amy is not going to be home for a weekend. I prefer the weekend bachelor food binge because I can then group the meals together and have a glorious bachelor food festival. I usually turn to a few things… toasted bagels topped with cream cheese and olive loaf lunchmeat accompanied by yellow corn tortilla chips and some cheese and hot sauce dips. I have also been known to go with Spaghetti-O’s with sliced hot dogs. Most things microwave will do and then there are the various new wave TV dinners to choose from. Or my all-time favorite: the frozen pizza.
Amy: (Insert eye-rolling here.)
Brandon: All I can say is do you remember the “burger” patty incident? What was that thing made of? Was it beans or tofu? Heck, I can’t remember what it was. It certainly wasn’t made of beef! I can tell you that for sure!
Amy: It was my attempt at passing a black bean burger by you… admittedly, it totally flopped. You looked at me as though I took away your birthday balloon. You were like, “Honey, I’m a man. I need meat.” Good grief.
Brandon: It gets worse. There is stuff like quinoa, edamame, goat cheese and then there are all the fruits and veggies, too! Don’t get me wrong, I have always tried these (some of them anyway) and they’re great and nutritious foods but I also would like to eat my bachelor food more often than I do now. I miss you, Manwich.
Amy: Well, my little petunia, you’re 41 years old; it’s time to start eating like a grown up. The lunchmeat bagels and chips have been replaced with salmon burgers and a mixed greens salad. The Spaghetti-O’s have been replaced with brown rice and a veggie stir fry. The frozen pizzas have been replaced with tilapia and acorn squash. The nacho-flavored Combos have been replaced with olive tapenade on baguette slices.
Brandon: See what I mean, guys? I just know there’s a tofurkey on the horizon…
Amy: When you’re gone for a weekend, I eat like a bird! It’s mostly sporadic episodes of “chick food” – things like cheese and crackers, chips and homemade salsa, coffee and a banana, or a divine salad of arugula, Kalamata olives, cherry tomatoes, capers, English cucumber and goat cheese with Caesar vinaigrette. It’s like the ultimate weight loss opportunity – no man around to feed means big meals and big calories are the furthest thing from my mind. Hmmm… Maybe you should do more weekend hunting and fishing trips, dear.
Brandon: I could really go for a bologna sandwich with a side of cheesy poofs.
Amy: Or pita chips and hummus.
Brandon: Maybe with a side of ding dongs! Until next time, keep the faith, fellas!
Brandon and Amy Chaffins of Alexandria have been married 11 years – long enough to have learned to live with each other’s “quirks.”